Crickets….Yea Crickets. The ones that you hear at a party on the back deck when there is no music or mingling. Oh no!! It's your party.
Good For You….Hell, you made the jump from pretending to be a writer to self-publishing on Amazon. Congratulations. Your Creative. You'll think of a reason that your ranked 895,000 on the Amazon rankings to tell all your artsy friends that didn't bother to buy it or give you a review.
Oh God, the Reviews….Amazon won't let your Mom or Dad post a review. Sorry Poindexter. You got to dig deep. Those People don't really like you that you hang out with. Neither do the ones that follow you on Medium. And God Forbid somebody reads that novel and does give you a review. You know deep down that putz English major friend of yours that edited it for a case of Pabst didn't get past the first chapter. Who could? Is it like Golf? The lower the stars, the better the book? One star, I'm crushing it. Time to tell my boss to kiss my ass!!!! I'm a highly reviewed literary author.
Marketing……No alcohol and a couple extra shifts at the Factory this week and you could swing some of that fancy marketing you heard about on the internet. Just send me the money and whatever you pay me I'll buy half of that in copies of that fancy book of yours. Those marketing companies are shady monsters. They smell your vulnerability through the page. They know how many people on their lists like whatever puke genre you wrote and they charge you twice the number that they sell for you. It is a business. They don't care. Fiverr…..Seriously…..It's 3am and you just bought a list of 80,000 emails from some kid in Pakistan that scraped the email addresses from Linked In and Instagram. The shady email service is spitting out 1800 emails per hour. Forty eight hours later, 80,000 emails were sent and no sales. Slow down. Your not trying to get banking information for a Nigerian Prince. All your emails now go to everyone's Spam boxes. Thank God your not important. Christ, People are reading it……They are giving me bad reviews for my grammar. I got to hire a professional editor. Nine hundred bucks down the drain to class this thing up. People complaining on a book that costs .99 cents.
.99 cents sales price…….How long do I have to give away this soon to be Classic for nothing? How does Amazon make more than me on this? It's like .30 a book I get. What's the break even point from the editor? Amazon is a major Corporation that knows how all this works and at what price crap novels sell for to the Yahoo Public. They also don't balance their finances by looking at the receipt from the ATM when you are doing God knows what that requires cash…… What's next. I can't hang myself. It's too tragic…That and there are no support beams in an old rusted out single wide trailer.
Honestly….If you want your story to be read, you have to spend money. Otherwise no one will ever see it. It's financial suicide unless you have more novels flowing from your fountain.
Christ, your going to publish it anyway…..Your a bigtime Writer. Your Huge!!!!
Sardonic. Love it or hate it. Either way, buy my book and give me a review!!! Guaranteed good Karma for you and your book. Attention broke artists, it is free in Kindle Unlimited…..